Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Old Bread is Dead

La Shana Tova for Rosh Hashannah! Tonight at sundown, we will venture to the Ocean in Venice Beach and Taslich (throw) some old bread that symbolises a casting away of sins for the New Year. I'm not a religious sort, but my kids love to learn the services and symbology of many cultures, this one happens to be closer to home!

Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house
lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, this coming
Rosh Hashanah consider these options for amusement :

For ordinary sins, use White Bread
For exotic sins, French Bread
For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel
For complex sins, Multi-grain
For twisted sins, Pretzels
For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes
For sins of indecision, Waffles
For sins committed in haste, Matzah
For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Shmurah Matzah
For sins of chutzpah, Fresh Bread
For substance abuse, Poppy Seed
For committing arson, Toast
For committing auto theft, Caraway
For being ill tempered, Sourdough
For silliness, Nut Bread
For not giving full value, Shortbread
For jingoism, Yankee Doodles
For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread
For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread
For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts
For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough
For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls
For immodest dressing, Tarts
For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes
For promiscuity, Hot Buns
For racism, Crackers
For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers
For davvening off tune, Flat Bread
For being holier than thou, Bagels
For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah
For indecent photography, Cheese Cake
For trashing the environment, Dumplings
For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf
For sins of pride, Puff Pastry
For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra
For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams
For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake
For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake
For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread
For inhaling, Stoned Wheat

Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone.
I'm choosing my bread carefully!!! Which bread are you????

1 comment:

mamakopp said...

Yep. I think I's be the corn bread. :) But can jelly donut be interrupted as being soft in the middle instead? :) I love jelly donuts :)